I am procrastinating right now. I should be writing a paper for one of my college classes. It is due at 11:59 pm tonight, and I haven’t even started it. I thrive under pressure though, so I know it will get done…eventually. It’s not the best way to function, but if I’m being honest, I am so over this semester. I love the flexibility that comes from online learning, but I don’t learn nearly as well. So instead of writing a paper on creativity in my chosen career, I am huddled up in my favorite cozy blanket, eating homemade soup, writing these words, and also thinking about what color I should dye my hair. Lowlights, maybe? Or should I do something more daring? What about pink?
There is a quote from the first Lord of the Rings movie. Towards the beginning Bilbo tells Gandalf, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
I feel that to my core.
I am tired. Maybe it’s the change of seasons and the fact that it gets dark so very early now. Maybe it’s because I worked at 4:30 am this morning, and I am scheduled to work 41 hours during finals week. (Someone please remind me why I thought that was a good idea. 😅) It could also be the feeling of claustrophobia and stir-craziness that comes from quarantine. Or maybe it’s because I’m not quite where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Perhaps, it’s a conglomeration of all of the above.
I am hungry for change, for sunlight, for warmth. Last week, I looked at airbnbs in Florida. Today I looked at tickets to Hawaii, knowing the whole time it’s not going to happen. But a girl can dream, right? Instead, I’ll probably just book a hair appointment and go to the gym. That always helps me feel better.
In the meantime, I will remind myself of these things: This is just a season, winter does not last forever. There is still so much joy and beauty to be found. New life is born from death. God is still good and kind and gracious. I will count my many blessings, because gratitude truly does change everything. My feelings and emotions do not have to control me. The Lord will give me the necessary strength. I am capable, and I can do hard things, therefore I will finish this semester strong.
So, on that note, I suppose I better sign off and go conquer this paper. Wish me luck. 🙂
(Update: Okay, the paper did get finished and submitted in time. Also, just a few days after I wrote this, my work place shut down for several days due to covid exposure. I had to quarantine for four days, and it was kind of like a mandatory vacation. The timing was perfect. I was able to study and rest. It was lovely. It’s amazing how God knows just what we need. 💛 Oh, and I got a little bored during quarantine, so I spontaneously had my sister dye my hair. Guess I don’t need that hair appointment after all. 😂)
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
“Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7